March Madness

 As many of you probably know, it’s that time of year again.  March Madness is coming, and if you’re like me, you’ve made sure that the next 4 weekends are clear of anything that will interfere with this sacred month of college hoops.  Those of you that know me, know that I’m a big sports fan and a HUGE Tar Heel fan.  Honestly, ‘HUGE’ doesn’t even do it justice.  I have to admit, UNC basketball is not something I just enjoy watching ……  it’s personal. 

What is it about sports that bring this out in guys?  Just ask my wife, I’m a different person during a UNC game.  Honestly, there are guys that I absolutely can’t stand  simply because of the team they play for (i.e. anyone associated with Duke).  It’s almost as if some part of me associates myself with ‘my team’.  Have you ever noticed that…. you ask someone how a certain team did in a game and the response you get is “We won”.  We.  As though in some way ‘we’, sitting on our couches at home, contributed to the success of the team.  For me, it’s even more personal than that.  If by some act of God UNC loses a game, it puts me in a bad mood for the rest of the day.  Something within me feels so let down, deflated, as though I am experiencing the pain of defeat with them.  Now, some of you probably think I’m crazy, and I know this isn’t right, but it’s there.  You can’t just tell someone that is attached to their dog that it’s ‘just an animal’ or to just ’let go’ (I know, stupid analogy). 

 Anyways,  this is something that is really amazing to me and I would really like to understand the connection between men and ‘their’ teams.  Maybe I need some professional counseling or something.  Luckily I’m not alone, because I know there are millions of guys like me that will be glued to the TV for the next month, watching in anticipation, joining in with their team in the joy of victory, and shedding tears with their team in the agony of defeat. 

Time

So I spent all day Tuesday at a time management seminar for my job….. which to those of you who know me is probably pretty amusing, considering I’m one of the most anal and overly-organized people you’ll ever meet.  Anyways, our speaker was a lady named ‘Sunny’ who I’m pretty sure I’ve seen on a few infomercials in the past.  Needless to say the whole day was pretty amusing.  Two of my favorite quotes that I had to write down were:

-”We start to experience the magical properties of the time matrix”

-”You soon begin to turn your dreams into realities”

My favorite moments were the videos with the still-framed pics of people loving life, having fun, holding their babies, etc., along with the cheesy sayings and the soft piano music in the background.  Let me tell you, I was fighting back the tears.  Overall, it just seemed sad. The majority of these people were so overwhelmed with life or were striving so hard to get ahead that they were willing to shell out a lot of money and a whole day for this seminar.  All in a hope to learn the steps they need to take to get their life in order – just follow steps 1 through 7 and your life will be great.  It’s so American, we’re always wanting the quick fix.   All in all, it just reminded me of the need for simplicity in my life.  It reminded me how desperately I want a life that is free from all the demands and expectations of our American culture. 

Society

‘Society’ by Eddie Vedder

Into the Wild Soundtrack

 

It’s a mystery to me,
we have a greed with which we have agreed.

You think you have to want more than you need,
until you have it all you won’t be free.

Society, you’re a crazy breed,
I hope you’re not lonely without me.

When you want more than you have you think you need, and when you think more than you want thoughts begin to bleed. I think I need to find a bigger place, cause when you have more than you think you need more space.

Society, you’re a crazy breed
I hope you’re not lonely without me
Society, crazy and deep
I hope you’re not lonely without me

There’s those thinking more or less, less is more
but if less is more how are you keeping score?
Means for every point you make your level drops,
kinda like its starting from the top, you can’t do that…

Society, you’re a crazy breed
I hope you’re not lonely without me
Society, crazy and deep
I hope you’re not lonely without me

Society, have mercy on me
I hope you’re not angry if I disagree
Society, crazy and deep
I hope you’re not lonely without me

Work

This is where I work, this is my domain.   I had some time today to do some thinking.  That was a bad idea:

8 hr/day x 5 day/week = 40 hr/week 

40 hr/week x 50 weeks/year (minus vacation) = 2000 hr/year

2000 hr/year x 40 year = 80,000 hours

80,000 hours/ 24 hr/day =  3333.33 days  

3333.33 days =  9 years, 48 days 

 I could be sitting at this desk for over 9 years of my life.  Is there any way someone can just kill me 9 years before I’m supposed to die?  That sounds like a much better deal to me. 

The Mountains

There’s just something about the mountains.  I can’t explain it.  If I spend more than a week or two here in the Springs I feel like my heart starts to suffocate.  Many times I don’t even notice it, but I just subtly begin to grow restless inside. I usually don’t even sense it until I actually do get away, head up into the mountains, and feel like I can finally breathe.  That’s when I realize how much I’ve missed it.  We’re coming upon the dead of winter now and except for skiing, there’s not a whole lot to do (Skiing doesn’t quite count as a refuge ……long lines to get on a lift, rich folks with thousands of dollars of equipment, overpriced food, sitting in traffic).  Although I enjoy skiing, I can only handle so much of it.  I can’t wait for the summer.  This year I’m going to appreciate it, make the most of it, not let the craziness of life keep me from taking the time to breathe. 

Voicemail

Why is it impossible to get ahold of anyone any more?  Really.  It’s odd to call and NOT get someone’s voicemail.  And what’s even worse, I’m actually surprised and grateful when someone actually calls me back or responds.  That’s pretty sad.  I’m sitting here this afternoon just trying to get some things done, but I can’t…. because I can’t reach anyone and no one will respond to my messages.  Literally, I can think of 7 people right now that I’ve left e-mail, voicemail, etc. and I’m waiting for them to get back in touch with me so that I can move forward.  I hate our culture. 

Two Roads Diverged in a Wood

It’s really sad, I look around the world and I just see people trying to make it.  There’s no life, just survival.  Most of them are trapped in it; the striving to keep ahead and to stay afloat, trying to create security and possibly the American dream for themselves.   That’s what I’m scared to death of, more than anything.   I’ve been out of school and working for about a year now, and I feel this constant pulling on my heart, this pulling into the American culture, the American way of life.  Any time I try to pull away from it slightly I just feel it grasping on to my heart even more.  It scares me to death.  I feel like I’m at a turning point, at a fork in the road. 

The first road is easy to see, it’s the road that the culture shows me, the road that most of middle-class America (and most of the church) is on.  I could head down it, give in.  Down this road, I just suck it up at my job, begin climbing the corporate ladder so I have more financial security, start saving for retirement, get life insurance, buy a house, have some kids, and accept it all as simply the way life is.  And soon I would probably start believing that this is the only way life can happen, and so I’ve just got to make the most of it. 

Or I could take the other road.  The other road is one that scares me just as much, but in an exciting way.  I don’t really know what the other road looks like, probably because I’ve seen so few people go down it.  It’s a road that goes against the mainstream.  I would say it’s simply the road that trusts and follows God and doesn’t believe that God necessarily calls us to a life of security and comfort, and that he especially doesn’t call us to the American dream.  It’s the road that follows after God and His Word, striving to be like Christ while on this earth.  Everything I’ve been reading lately in scripture tells me that this road is the opposite of the American dream:  Blessed are the poor in spirit, whoever loses his life for my sake will find it, I did not come to bring peace but a sword, what good will it be for a man to gain the whole world but forfeit his soul, whoever humbles himself is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven, your real treasure is in heaven, you can not serve both God and money, and on and on.  I look at Christ’s life and I sure didn’t see someone who was too worried about comfort and security on earth.  But the funny thing is we turn Jesus into our own American Jesus.  Rather than following the road Christ took, we paint Christ in a way to justify the road we’ve taken.   We turn him into a guy who would believe and fight for the things that we believe and fight for.

So the question is huge, but it’s really simple, which road am I gonna take? I know the road I should take, but why is it still so hard?  Is it because I just don’t have enough faith, do I not truly believe that God will show up and guide me down the road like he promises?  Hopefully in a few years, I’ll be able to look back and say with joy:   “Two roads diverged in a wood, and I, I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference”

Stuck…..

So here I am….feeling like I’m stuck again.   It’s been about two months since I last wrote on here.  I want to blog more, but I don’t.  But when I think about it, that seems to be the theme of my life.  I want to get involved and pour my life into some high school guys or get involved at the rescue mission, but I just can’t find the time.  I want to love my wife better, but I’m always so tired and something always seems to get in the way.  I want to get back in shape, but I just can’t seem to find the time or energy.  And the list goes on and on.  It seems like no matter what my best intentions are, I always seem to find myself just surviving…..the day, week, month, whatever.  It makes me wonder if everyone feels the way I do.  I think the majority of people do.  The attitude that most people seem to have is “I’ve got to do what it takes to survive and I’ll try to find some ‘life’ in whatever time I have left.”  Most of us spend most of our time trying to create security and comfort.  Most of us are afraid of everything crashing down around us.  I know I am.  Something within me feels at any given moment I’m just one bad decision or turn of luck away from everything crashing down around me.  My job is to do whatever I can to make sure that doesn’t happen….at all costs.  So I go about my days, doing whatever I need to do to try to create comfort and security, and I usually end up unhappy and lifeless.   Probably because in actuality, most of the worry comes from the fact that no matter how hard I try, I can’t create security for myself.  Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to go through a week, or even a day, without any worries.  To go through a day with a child-like faith and a child-like freedom.  To live my life free from all of the crap….. to experience and enjoy life.  Is that even possible, in this world that we live in?   I hope so, because if not, then this life really doesn’t seem worth living.      

 

Compassion

I wrote about this a while back, but I feel like God keeps opening my eyes wider and wider to the concept of compassion.  I’ve been reading this book and it keeps shaking my world.  So I found out the meaning of the word “compassion” is actually “to suffer”.  Most of us would consider ourselves naturally ‘compassionate’.  We don’t like to see people in pain or hungry or alone.  Truthfully though, I think what we mean is that certain situat ions bring about compassionate feelings within us.  Does having compassionate feelings make us truly compassionate people?  The world we live in preaches to us that life is about reaching forward, making progress, whether financially, relationally, spiritually.  Life is about striving forward.  Then, out of our ‘compassionate feelings’, we reach down from our lofty positions that we’ve strived so hard to achieve and give out of our excess to those below us.  Most of us would think of this as being compassionate.  But is it? 

 Our attitude is  ’I'm up here, you’re down there, and since I’m compassionate I’m going to reach down and help you out and hopefuly you can begin to move upwards now.’  But when I look at Christ’s life, I just don’t see that being the way He lived.  He lowered himself, humbled himself.  He didn’t reach down from on high; he lowered himself and joined us in our filth.   I don’t know what this means or looks like practically in my life, but I do know that nothing I do is going to make a true difference until I imitate Christ, humble myself, and get off my lofty pedestal, both in my heart and in my world. 

The Widow

So the other day I heard about this movement, ministry, or whatever you want to call it. As I heard about it, I immediately thought “what an incredible idea, I want to be a part of that”.  I got so excited about being a part of this movement, and honestly I still am, and I plan on being a part of it in the upcoming months, but that’s not my focus right now.  My question is, what is it that rises in me so quickly when I hear about something like this?  I immediately want to jump on board.  Why?  As I think about it, I realize that for one, it’s a great cause.  Obviously, that’s really important, there are all kinds of things that I hear about and I never think twice  because they don’t seem as important or critical or relevant as other things going in my life.  But I don’t think that’s all of it, because even though it’s a great cause and it can help change people’s lives, there’s part of me that is excited about it for myself.  I think within all of us there’s a deep desire to truly make a difference and to be a part of something bigger than ourselves.  What rises up within me isn’t just love for people, but it’s a desire to matter.  It’s a desire to make a difference in a world where I know things aren’t as they should be.  I really believe that once we start living outside of our own worlds and enter into the worlds of others, then we truly begin to live.

So, as I though about this desire I have to “matter”, I realized that if I’m brutally honest with myself, this desire within me is often a greater driving force than my love for people.  I think it truly makes me feel better about myself to do something for someone in need.  In a sense I can sleep a little better at night knowing that I have helped someone else, that I sacrificied, that I did my part.  So I go and sacrifice and give out of my “heart/love for people”, but what’s crazy is that I’ve noticed that I only do it when it’s convenient for me.  For example, I’m pretty sure that I wouldn’t be giving of myself and what I have if I didn’t have any food to put on the table at night.  But it makes me wonder, is that what it’s really about?  Is this the way God has created us to engage and interact in this world?  The bigger question, is this what Christ has called me to?  I remembered this passage and had to ask myself, when I really look at my life, am I reflective of the widow in the temple who gave very little, but in essence gave everything or am I one of the rich folks who gave out of the overflow of his wealth ? (Mark 12:41-44)  Honestly, I have to say that I’m the man who gave because he should and wanted the peace of mind that comes with “sacrificing” for someone else.  Do I love people?  Sure.  Do I really care about people? I truly believe so.   But do I love and care for people MORE than I love and care about myself and my security?  No.  And I wonder why the world is the way it is, and why the church is the way it is.  Will things ever truly change until we get out of our own worlds and enter into the world of those around us?  Until we sacrfice and give out of our poverty and not out of the overflow of our wealth.

I know this won’t change overnight, and I know it’s an uphill battle within myself to truly shift the focus of my life, but I have the choice to either wait around to let someone else act first , or I can stand up and take the first step in that direction myself.  The prayer of my heart is that one day I will reach a point where I’ve surrendered my life to the point that I’m giving out of my poverty, just like the widow.