Detox

I posted on mine and Candace’s blog about learning to “be” and how it relates to the transition we’re going through as we prepare to go to Africa.  But honestly, these things are still weighing on me, and I feel like there’s so much more to it. 

As I look at my life, It seems I’m constantly thinking about the next step.  In college, I was always looking ahead to the next semester or summer.  In grad school, it was wondering where we would go when we’re finished with school.  Then as I began working, I was constantly depressed because I just asked myself, “Is this it?”  No longer was there a next step that I could look forward to. 

I do it with my desires as well.  I find myself dreaming about writing, or speaking, or coaching one day.  But in the midst of dreaming about the future, I overlook the opportunities that I have today, where I’m at now. Why do I constantly look to the future? 

It may sound cliche, but I think it’s because I look for my identity and joy in this life rather than in God.  I try to meet the deep longings in my heart for meaning and fulfillment through experiences rather than God.  The problem is, as I’ve experienced, this life never satisfies.  It always leaves me wanting more, so I constantly look ahead to the next step or the next adventure, in hopes that once I get there, then I’ll find true meaning and happiness. 

It’s weird because if someone were to ask me, I feel I would know the answer to the question.  But knowing that you should find your identity in God and actually doing it are two totally different things.  I feel that’s the journey I’m on right now.  I feel God telling me to let go of all these dreams, to let go of the future.  I think He wants me to let go of those things, so that I can learn to be in the moment, and to find my life in each day through Him alone.  Sounds great….. but doing it isn’t quite so easy.  It feels like I’m an addict going through detox, trying to let go of all the things I’ve turned to for life for so long.