The Lifeboat

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about my life lately and I keep realizing that in many ways I don’t like the person I am.  I don’t like how defensive, selfish, cold-hearted, up-tight, manipulative, etc. I am.  I’ve been really struggling with how to change these things?  Where do they come from?  I don’t believe that it’s just a matter of will or choice, these things are deeply rooted somewhere. 

This book I have been reading talks about how ever since the Fall, our world has operated with a “lifeboat mentality.”  Because we’re no longer in relationship with God, we all walk around operating as though we’re fighting for a spot in a lifeboat that doesn’t have enough room for everyone.  It’s pretty evident when you look at our world.  We are constantly trying to prove to a jury of our peers (most of whom we don’t know) that we’re good-looking enough, smart enough, cool enough, etc.  for a spot in the lifeboat.  And it’s their opinion that is the final say.  So when something happens that threatens our position in the lifeboat, it triggers something within us.  Why in the world do we get so mad when someone cuts us off?  Something deep down feels we’re not respected or important, and we feel our identity being threatened.  For me this was a huge realization because I know I definitely operate like this, and I started to see it as the core behind many of these characteristics of myself that I don’t like.  The problem is that the lifeboat mentality binds us down and keeps us from living and loving freely.  It keeps us from being our true selves.  What’s encouraging is to see how Christ lived in this world; he knew there was no lifeboat.  He knew that His identity was in His relationship with the Father.  One of my favorite paragraphs in the book says this:

“Imagine how much a man’s life would be changed if he trusted that he was loved by God?  He could interact with the poor and not show partiality, he could love his wife easily and not expect her to redeem him, he would slow to anger because redemption was no longer at stake, he could be wise and giving with his money because money no longer represented points, he could give up on formulaic religion, knowing that checking stuff off a spiritual to-do list was a worthless pursuit, he would have confidence and the ability to laugh at himself, and he could love people without expecting anything in return.  It would be quite beautiful, really.”

To me, that sounds like freedom.  That’s what I long for, freedom from trying to prove myself, freedom to love, freedom to live as God intended.