Muddy Water

Once again, I’ve gotten so caught up in doin’ all the stuff that needs gettin’ done, that I’ve neglected the things most important to me.  It’s been about a month since I’ve posted on here, and I can’t even remember where the month went.  The biggest change is that Candace and I have officially signed on to go to Sierra Leone in August for 4 months.  With that has come a whirlwind of both logistical issues to deal with, but also a ton of emotional and spiritual issues. 

I’m starting to see my heart as this big bucket of muddy water.  As life gets stagnant, I get into this routine, monotony takes over, and all the crap just settles out to the bottom.  It’s still there, but I just don’t worry about it because it’s not getting stirred up, so I don’t have to really face it.  Whenever life gets sort of crazy though, whether it be a big decision to make or a crisis that comes from nowhere, all the crap in the bucket gets stirred up.  It’s in those moments that I see how much crap I really do have deep down that I haven’t dealt with.  This last month, my bucket has gotten all stirred up and now I feel so stressed out and overwhelmed by all the crap that’s come to the surface.  Issues with people, selfishness and pride in my own heart, how little faith I actually have in all this stuff that I say I believe in.  That stuffs pretty scary, and it’s deep.  It’s not easy, but I’m trying to let God in and to let him clean up the mess, because I’ve found that I sure can’t.  I think Tozer said it best:

 ”The man who has struggled to purify himself and has had nothing but repeated failures will experience real relief when he stops tinkering with his soul and looks away to the perfect One. While he looks at Christ the very things he has so long been trying to do will be getting done within him. It will be God working in him to will and to do. “